


What Time Took From Us

by Bun



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 02:55:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bun/pseuds/Bun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after Sirius' escape from Azkaban when he is laying low with Lupin. Two broken old men eating dinner and one of them is contending with the past that won't let him be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Time Took From Us

Something haunted and broken had escaped from Azkaban wearing the face of Sirius Black. It was a clever imitation of the man but there was something off, something so unlike Sirius that Remus had found him unsettling. The smile wasn’t quite the same and it didn’t reach Sirius’ eyes.

When they were younger men, before they had been broken by war and all of its cohorts in suffering, Sirius’ smile had melted Remus’ heart.

At the sight of it now, it broke.

Sirius glanced sidelong at him, pausing in cutting up his roast into tiny little pieces to do so, and the look in his eyes almost made Remus wince. Since when was Sirius Black fragile? He had been such a brash boy. There had been a life to him that drove others to envy.

 " _Mooney! Look! Look at this!” Sirius laughed as he called to his friend. They were only sitting across the table in the Great Hall but with how loud Sirius shouted it he didn’t seem to realize that. Only when Remus looked did he flick several Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans into the air in quick succession. Not a one of them hit the floor; Sirius caught each one on his tongue and gobbled them up._

_A fifth year girl giggled at his antics and Sirius winked at her. He loved an audience. All of his bravado and pranks were in search of approval from others. Remus had realized that long ago. It’d taken him longer to realize that, mostly, Sirius wanted his approval._

Crowds scared Sirius now. Being alone in his Azkaban cell had robbed him of that boisterous desire to be seen. To be admired. Sirius was no fool; he was a shred of the man he’d been before his incarceration and he knew he would spark no delight in guests. If they had more than three visitors at a time Sirius grew edgy, his temper rising until he lashed out at the most ridiculous things. Remus preferred those tantrums. The fire and passion were familiar. When Sirius sat there in silence, staring at nothing with his hollow eyes, Remus was sure a stranger shared his bed. Sirius hadn’t been one for pouting or black moods that stole his spirit from him. It had been Remus who had wallowed in their youth.

_“Chin up, mate. We’ll always be with you.” Sirius brushed Remus’ hair from his eyes. There was a new mark on his face, a new scar that would only remind him of what a monster he was. A gentle kiss ran just beneath it and Sirius smiled at him. “I love you Mooney. I’ll never leave you. We’re Mauraders. We’re going to be together till the end. Always.”_

_How_ couldn’t _he believe it? Sirius was infectious with his hope. Life had dealt them both a more difficult hand than they deserved. They had each other. They had friends. They were going to live happier lives than anyone ever expected for them._

If only they had known then how disappointed they’d be in the end. How bitter they’d grow. Two old men sat together, the ghosts of their youth just at the edges of their memories. It had been foolish to promise such things. They should have known better than to invest themselves so heavily in one another.

They were together now. That had to matter. They were the only Mauraders left. Peter had betrayed them. James was dead.

All they had left was each other and they’d been apart for too long. Twelve years molded them into men that were a far cry from the boys they’d been. There were no more sly grins and raised brows that held a wealth of words in such simple gestures. Long gone was the comfortable silences. Time had worn them down to men that sat in an awkward quiet at dinner. What Remus wouldn’t give for Sirius’ teasings. Protests of loathing his joking seemed ludicrous now.

_“Pads I swear if you transfigure one more pair of my skivvies pink I will give you fleas! So help me!” Remus shook the pair of underwear as Sirius howled with laughter, the barking sound of it only further angering his friend. “Don’t you dare laugh! This was my favorite pair and you made them pink! What possessed you to do that!”_

_They weren’t anything special but they were his. Sirius never respected his personal boundaries for property or space and he was getting sick of it! Sick of the other boy! Sick of-_

_Remus forgot just what exactly he was sick of as Sirius pinned him to the bed and grabbed the offensive underpants. “Pink suits you, Mooney. It’s soft and delicate,” Sirius smiled, leaning down to run his tongue along Remus’ lips. “Just like my princess!”_

_Barking with laughter once more, Sirius hopped up and just barely dodged a jinx from Remus’ wand. There were screeches of how he’d make him sorry but over the sound of Sirius’ amusement, the cries of how Remus hated him so were hard to hear._

_He could never truly hate Sirius. But times like these he wished he’d be a little more, well, serious._

Shells of two old men were all that remained; they might as well have died with the rest. Gone was that playfulness in Sirius. Gone was Remus’ easy laughter when Sirius finally apologized.

He never was mad at him, not truly. Not over little pranks. The real anger came during those nights he was alone. Those nights spent with his face buried in the pillows, inhaling the fading scent of a man he loved. A man who had, as far as he’d known then, killed their friends and betrayed them all. Sirius had broken his heart with that betrayal - especially after all but labeling him the Dark Lord’s spy!

Remus cleared his throat to try and rid it of the lump that formed with memories of those lonely nights, of the pain that had gripped him. Sirius shrunk down at the unexpected noise. His eyes were wary and for a moment Remus was certain that Sirius was clutching his wand beneath the table.

“Apologies, Padfoot. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Sirius nodded once and then over and over. He’d lost himself in the rhythm of it. Being alone had robbed him of what was normal and what wasn’t. And sitting there, holding his wand like a child with a teddy bear while nodding like a fool was not normal. But that repetitive motion helped him remember he was alive, that he was a person and he was there. Remus had caught him doing small things like that since the his escape. If he wasn’t interrupted Sirius would sit there for hours, nodding his head and staring at nothing while he was trapped in the prison of his own mind.

Remus stretched out a hand, fingers lightly gripping his friend’s chin. At Sirius’ flinch another crack formed in Remus’ heart. There had only ever been desire in Sirius’ eyes and body at his touch before. Once he’d been so desperate for his touch it had bordered on bothersome.

 _“Mooney, I_ need _you.” Sirius’ words were a breathy whisper that might have been the sexiest thing Remus had ever heard. Had they been anywhere but Transfigurations he’d have pulled Sirius to him by his tie and snogged him till he begged for mercy. Under the watchful eye of Professor McGongall he was forced to reach beneath the desk and grip Sirius’ hand instead, rubbing the pad of his thumb over his knuckles._

_“I need you too, Pads. After class. You can’t get detention for snogging me in class. Not when I need you this weekend.” It was the full moon. The idea that Sirius wouldn’t be there to help keep him in check was more than enough to cool Remus’ lust._

_And apparently it did the same for Sirius. His friend held his hand sweetly and nodded, giving him a smile that would have made one of Sirius’ admirers swoon._

What would those admirers think now? They’d trimmed Sirius’ hair and fixed up what they could with a little magic. But there was no spell to erase the fear in Sirius’ eyes, those haunted looks he cast about when he thought Remus wasn’t watching. What would those girls who’d dared to fancy themselves the future Mrs. Sirius Black do when Sirius stared in horror at his own reflection? Sirius had broken into sobs, clutching at his cheeks and refusing to believe it was him in the mirror - he didn’t even recognize himself. Would the girls who’d pined for him at school even believe this thin man with sunken cheeks was Sirius Black?

Remus doubted it.

“I’m sorry, Pads. How’s supper?” Dropping his hand onto the table, Remus smiled reassuringly at his friend. His once lover. How long had it been since they’d been intimate? It had been a trying time when Sirius was arrested and he couldn’t recall when they last had before he went to Azkaban.

Years. It had been over a decade since he’d felt Sirius’ touch. Over ten years had came and went since he’d whispered how he loved Sirius as they kissed. Twelve years since they’d found solace in hard and fast fuckings they’d grown to depend on. Thousands of days had passed since he’d heard that little sound Sirius made when kissed right where his neck and shoulders joined. With Sirius away it had been easy to bury those memories. There had been a time when thinking about the past wasn’t so hard. It was over. It was as if he were looking at photos of another man’s life when those memories came to mind. Watching Sirius now he felt like a monster for wondering if his’ lips would even feel familiar anymore.

“It’s good. You always were a good cook. I haven’t eaten anything as good as your cooking in...in a long time.” Sirius looked up from the plate to his friend, managing an attempt at a smile.

“I didn’t know if you liked it. You were just cutting it to bits.” Remus smiled softly and worked on his own meal before him. He’d wandered into dangerous territory thinking about Sirius nude. Past Sirius that is. Since Sirius had escaped he’d seen him nude a few times. Once when helping him clean up and another when Sirius had nodded off in the bath. There were scars on his body that Remus, once an expert in that territory, had not expected. Someone had hurt him and left their mark behind. Maybe it had been Sirius himself. The markings along his chest had been new. And too deliberate to be from a fight.

The scars didn’t bother him. He had never been a shallow man. What wormed into his thoughts and made him cry when he was alone in his room was just how unfamiliar Sirius’ body had become to him. Years ago it had been as familiar as his own - more welcome than his own.

_“You’re beautiful, Sirius. Have I ever told you that?” Propped up on his elbow, Remus smiled as he ran a hand over Sirius’ toned bare chest. Basking in the afterglow of their coupling, he couldn’t wipe the smug little smile off his lips._

_“Beautiful? I’m a_ man _, Mooney. Men are handsome.” Sirius had rolled his eyes but turned onto his side to pull Remus close. His fingers traced one of the many scars on his back and when Remus flinched he’d kissed him too deeply to allow a protest. Together they was nothing that could ruin them. No terrible memories, no past pain could dampen the present and the love they had for one another._

 _“A beautiful man, Padfoot._ My _beautiful man.” Remus nipped his shoulder lightly and Sirius growled into his hair._

_“Yours, Mooney. Till the end of time. I’ll always be yours and you’ll always be mine.”_

Remus reached for his wine, taking a deep sip of it. Time had tested them and, in the present, they were together in a literal sense if nothing else. That spark between them was lost and Remus was grasping for ways to reignite it. Late at night when Sirius dozed fitfully next to him he’d imagine scooting closer and kissing along his jawline as he’d done in the past to soothe his lover. It was foolish. The one time he’d tried to touch Sirius in a romantic way the other man had frozen and backed away, shaking his head and protesting that Remus shouldn’t want him anymore.

But, the trouble was, he still yearned for him. For his Sirius.

“If I cut it up like this it looks like more.” Sirius’ words were no more than a whisper but they snapped Remus back to reality. “They fed us so little in Azkaban. I had to trick myself into thinking I had my fill.” Sirius hadn’t wanted to talk of Azkaban. Whenever Remus brought it up his friend stiffened and clammed up.

When he did speak of it Remus wished he hadn’t.

Forcing himself to swallow, Remus struggled not to cry. He knew very well what it was to be hungry, to live on scraps. It was a pain he wouldn’t wish on anyone. Choking on his own words, he looked at Sirius as the other man spoke. He had to take in what a wreck he was. He had to know understand it before he’d allow himself to tell Sirius he loved him still.

What if that yearning, that wanting, shriveled up to nothing and another vow was broken?

“You’ll always have your fill here, Sirius. You need to eat more. I’ll always keep you fed.”

“Don’t make promises, Mooney. It’s just asking to break them.” Sirius reached for his wineglass, taking a deep pull from it. And then several more. There was no care for the way Remus had been sure to buy his favorite. It quenched his thirst and Sirius drank like a man who expected to lose that privilege at any moment.

“You do need to eat more, Sirius. And...that’s a practical promise. Eating is a necessity. And as long as we’re together I’ll see to it that you’re fed. Is that better wording?” There was a chance they could be parted again. A good chance of it. Sirius was a wanted man. If it was safer for him they’d have to send him away.

Could they handle it? The last time they parted ways it’d taken twelve years to get back to one another.

_“Piss off, Mooney! Fuck right off! Don’t you dare treat me like I’m being ridiculous!” Sirius had glared at him, his dark hair as wild as his eyes. It was like this so often. They’d fight, they’d fuck, they’d fight again. One of them would leave and return by dawn, begging with sad looks for the other to forgive them._

_Stress was tearing them apart. Voldemort had many weapons at his disposal but it was the threat of their deaths, of the loss of their friends , or of losing the war that drove them to scream at one another. Sirius broke things, Remus cut him to the quick with words. They weren’t going to last the year if something didn’t change._

_“You seem to think implying I’m some sort of spy will make me think you’re anything but ridiculous, Sirius! It’s not my family with the long history of dark wizards and pureblood fanaticism. Maybe you should look within before you blame me for the Death Eaters knowing about the raid!”_

_He’d gone too far. He could see it in Sirius’ eyes when he crossed that line. The anger, such a familiar look nowadays, passed and hurt made his lover step backwards. Without so much as another word Sirius left their flat and never came back. His last words to his lover had been nothing short of hateful._

_The next time Remus had seen his beloved’s face had been on the cover of The Daily Prophet. A murderer. And he’d said those cruel things. Those things that had been, it seemed, right. He wept into the parchment of the newspaper and begged it to be another joke. A revenge prank of Sirius’._

_Sometimes, even years later, he woke up from a dream where it all had been an elaborate, if cruel, joke of Sirius’._

It had been so easy to forgive in that wild rush of adrenaline at seeing one another. At being together once more. The years apart had vanished for a moment and Remus had almost cried to hug Sirius again. With a challenge set before them they’d fallen back into old roles easily. When the adrenaline left them and the moment had passed all was still forgiven.

Forgetting was a harder thing to do.

The quiet dragged on, growing awkward as it did. Did Remus confess what was on his mind? Could a man so broken by time and life handle knowing his only touchstone to reality was questioning if they could make it again? Remus rested his elbow on the table, his hand covering his face.

A hand moved to his arm and Sirius’ chair screeched against the floor as he shifted to be closer. Remus gasped softly; this was the second time Sirius had touched him in years. That hug in their old haunt the Shrieking Shack had been so fast that he doubted Sirius had realized what he was doing at the time. If, after all he’d suffered, Sirius could try so could he. Remus lifted his head and smiled at his other half, fingers coming to rest atop Sirius’.

“It could be worse, Mooney.” Sirius gave another attempt at a smile himself, coming closer to that expression Remus was so familiar with. “We could be out of Firewhiskey.”

Sirius was joking. He made a joke. A bad joke but a joke nonetheless. Remus laughed and shook his head. “We will be soon if you keep drinking it at the pace you do, Pads.”

A scratchy sound startled Remus. Sirius’ shoulders shook and, much to his shock, Remus realized he was laughing. It wasn’t the sexy bark of laughter he was used to but he wasn’t going to complain.

It was the best sound he’d heard in twelve years.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Written with encouragement from a friend on tumblr. :) Lupin-smiled ilu. <3


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